Rants and raves about all the latest in video games and other forms of mindless entertainment.

June 16, 2005

Billion Dollar Babies [Machine]

If there's one thing Microsoft isn't short on, it's marijuana and other illicit mentality manipulative drugs. Upon hearing J.Allard say "We expect to reach 1 billion gamers", I sh*t myself with laughter. Is such a number even possible to reach? Well I suppose if Micrsoft begins catching the consumers eye prematurely in the womb! Little do we know, Microsoft has equipped 12 million ultrasound clinics with specialized ultrasonic devices, that while projecting the image to expecting parents of their in-transit bundle of joy, plays subliminal Xbox 360 commercials to the fetus inside the womb. Rather than blood curddling screams upon birth, the baby instead hums the Xbox jingle. Assuming Senor Allard wasn't under the influence, that would in fact be the only way to attain a goal of such gargantuan proportions.

The farcical goals Microsoft has are enough to make even Ken Kutaragi look completely sane. First, they expect to overthrow Sony's dominance, and second they want to attract 1 billion gamers. Steven Ballmer will say he only wants the industry to reach 1 billion consumers, but we know damn well that he wants those 1 billion people on Train 360. The company execs in the comfy arm chairs, who more than likely have never picked up a controller, must have no idea about how poorly the Xbox has done compared to Playstation 2. On top of that, they also expect to beat Sony on their home turf, Japan. Let me point you here. Does anyone else notice something out of place? Yes, that's right. In 2005 alone, and exclusively to Japan, Playstation 2 has sold nearly 1 million units...and in the far corner: Xbox with a barely mentionable 7000 units. Let's examine that for a minute: Microsoft has managed to sell only 0.7% of Sony's gross (and even Nintendo's with the DS) in Japan. That's right folks, Microsoft expects not only to outsell Sony worldwide, they expect to increase their sales in Japan by 15 000%. Ludicrous!

Sliding along to the even higher goal of reaching 1 billion consumers. As a whole, the gaming industry has maybe 200 million gamers. To reach that goal of 1 billion, the entire industry has to increase 500% by the end of the next generation console cycle, circa 2011. Trends indicate that we're only growing by a (still hefty) 20%. How are we supposed to reach Microsofts (clearly not insane) goal of 1 billion gamers? Even crazier on the highway of lunacy - since Microsoft would expect that gamers they've drawn will get their game on with the Xbox 360 - they would have to increase their total hardware sales projections by 5000%! I think I speak for all mankind when I say: What...the...F*ck? It would seem Microsoft has insider information into an oncoming "boom" in videogame consumership. Their source seems to be the highly respected "Myass" e-zine.

No one other than Microsoft thinks they'll reach their goal. My hope is that Microsoft be drawn and quartered this generation by both Sony and Nintendo, so when they return two generations from now, they'll have more realistic (and human) goals. Having high expectations is one thing, but being down right friggin mental is another. Barring pre-calculated fetal interception, Microsoft is royally f*cked [with respect to their goals].


Anonymous Mega Phoenix said...

nintendo's history of console sales is about 160 million. sony's is about 190 million. how does microsoft plan to get more than twice of their whole competitors history of sales o_O

ahh, i read the article. its the "industry" that they want to reach a billion, they know they can't sell 1 billion, but they want to reach as many of those billion as they can.

it makes sense. sure they cant sell a billion, but from having that many to choose from then they can at least try to get more than 20 million.

hmm, odd stuff. but at least they are trying and aiming high. its better than just hiding in the corner with empty promises (cough). of course PS3 will sell the most next gen, but hey, if their sales still stay high and xbox's improve, then at least ps3 will have decent strong competition. then everyone else can sit and point at the console that tried, but just couldnt cut it.

June 16, 2005 1:12 PM

Blogger Adam said...

The thing is I couldn't find a direct quote from the press conference, however J.Allard directly states that he wants "Xbox 360 to reach 1 billion consumers". Ballmer changed the statement after they were ridiculed for making such an idiotic claim. If you go to IGN or Gamespot, you can watch the hour long press conference and hear it for yourself, unfortunately video clips of that length aren't convenient for quoting.

June 16, 2005 2:11 PM

Anonymous Squee said...

Maybe they have a secret plan to sell Xboxes in China?

June 16, 2005 8:16 PM

Blogger Adam said...

If only.

June 16, 2005 8:56 PM

Blogger CPT PYRO said...

I love your site, it's great!

June 18, 2005 9:19 PM


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