Rants and raves about all the latest in video games and other forms of mindless entertainment.

January 20, 2006

Destroyer of men - Kingdom Hearts 2

In the midst of slaying trolls and maliciously attacking evil-doing Nintendo fanboys, I came across a curious gamer. A man, whose soul has been ecclipsed by the rotund shadow of videogames, and the damned piece of software, known only as Kingdom Hearts II. I tried to console the man, but only came to realize his humanity had been robbed, his life destroyed, and a future annihilated. How could this come to pass? I managed to conduct an interview with the man before his mortal vessel succumbed to the vacuous void of the television screen. Let's hear his story...

For personal reasons, our victim would like to remain known only as Mr. Malediction

The face of what is now the destroyer of men.

VGP: For the record, it was indeed Kingdom Hearts II that put you in this greivous situation?

Mr. M: ...(all the man could do is shudder -- Ed.)

VGP: So how exactly have you suffered?

Mr. M: I've lost my job, my wife parted with me, I do not sleep, I've been reduced to rummaging through my neighbours' trash cans and recycling bins for some morsel of sustinance, as I've been roobed of time go to purchase food. I've been infected with dysentery ever since the feces started piling up, now that I can't go to bathroom either.

VGP: Sounds terrible. How exactly has Kingdom Hearts II done this to you? How could such things come to be?

Mr. M: You have no idea. It prevented me from going to work. At first it was only one night, but it kept asking for more. It became obsessed with me, always wanting more from me; time I didn't have, but I had no choice! It tempted me to a point where refusal only meant more suffering. It was a vicious cycle of one evil in place of another. If I left it, it would haunt and hound me to no end. It was like a living hell! But if I stayed by it's side, I would suffer financial hardships. The temptation became too much, and I had to make a choice. I had to make the chocie that would lead to the least amount of pain. For God only knows how much I've had to endure trying to peel myself away from this hellishly parasitic relationship.

VGP: And this was only the catalyst, was it not?

Mr. M: Yes. It then proceeded to tempt me with morsels of information, that would in turn lead to greater understandings; understandings of how things worked. Do you know how hard it is knowing only a small part of the bigger picture? I had to have more. I began to crave the information so much that I neglected my wife. She tried to take it away from me, but the connection I had with it was unbelievably strong, such that it transcended love or hate. It was a symbiotic emotion; a hybrid of the two former. I protected it with every ounce of strength. As long as their was breath in my body, I remained steadfast. I eventually wore her down, but in turn she left me. It was now all I had left. It forced me to stop answering my phone, but it levitated me to an enlightened state of informity. I now knew all there was to know, but it wouldn't stop there. It taunted me. Driving became a regular activity between the two of us. Every ride was another path down insanity, which would lead to only more suffering.

VGP: So how did you detach yourself from this menacing entity?

Mr. M: It isn't easy, things became more complicated than I had anticipated. I began to realize that if I co-operated, I in turn experienced greater suffering emotionally and humanistically, but co-operating fooled it into thinking I was swaying; that I was becoming part of some larger than life ideal it had planned. I soon realized playing It's game, began to wear it out. It's final chapeter was coming to a close, as I beat it at it's own game, on It's own terms. No more were the shackels of servitude clenched to the flesh of my wrists. The bindings changed hands, and now I was in control. I was the master form of this epic battle. Things played out in my favour. I finished it deftly with a blade most fierce. Never have I triumphed so purposefully, yet deteriorated so lamentably in one swift blow. For the life-eater that was Kingdon Hearts II, was no more, but did not part with it's physical form before laying seige on my life, eradicating every ounce of dignity, free time, sanitation, and hour of sleep from me. I was a shell. A shadow, a heartless entity, a nobody.

VGP: And here you are...

Mr. M: No, it doesn't end there. I soon learned that I came to miss it. It became so integral to my lifestyle, that I yearned for it evermore. I revived the one thing I had left in my life...IT. Which is where I am today. To this very moment, I am haunted and stalked by the prolific events that subsequently turned my life from one of happiness, into one of insanity. Kingdom Hearts 2 has not only destroyed my life, it has overtaken it. Now I serve only it, and there is no turning back. Good bye cruel, RL(sic)!

(After he spoke these words, his face then stared blankly into the illuminous glass panelling of the television, which once stood in the middle of a fulfilled man's living room. Now, it was a dungeon. A dungeon for a man now captivated by a relationship with something so sinister, it trades pleasure for pain, and suffering for happiness. Thumbs twirling, twirling, twirling...) One can only hope they do not suffer the same fate as our now oblivious gaming brother.


Blogger anonymous said...

Kingdom Hearts 2? More like Kingdom Angst 2 or Kingdom Flop 2.

February 02, 2006 10:42 AM

Blogger NintenJoe said...

lol @ KH getting a 7.6 from IGN. And after all your rants of IGN being the only trustworthy site for reviews on the internet. Flop of the Year 2006.

You must be pretty pissed, huh Adam?

March 31, 2006 3:17 PM


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